Packing to go home...

Oh my, I'm so tired. Today was a full marathon. Rushed to uni to hand in the report to Dr Pasir, rushed to town to get my hair cut (which is really nice.. I like...), had a fun girly make-over & photoshoot with sis Serina (bought some really nice potraits to surprise Hubby), rushed home and cook a 3 course dinner and then spent the whole night hanging out with my dearest friends. Now, taking a breather coz I have to sort out my packing back home.

The house is in a total mess. Clothes, shoes, books everywhere! The hardest bit is that I have to finish it tonight, but tonight seems to be the warmest summer night ever! I've taken my shower 3 times already, and planning to have another one soon. Not only is it uncomfortable, it also makes your brain stops responding and sleepy.

But alas, I still have to go through it... my only motivation to carry on is that I'll get to see Hubby, Mama, my dear friends and of course my little darlings- Boboy & Baby... I miss them so much and can't wait to give them a big huge hug.

But till then... its packing time :(

Sober over Saber

I woke up really early this morning (thanks to my sleeping pills) and got off to uni to present Dr Pasir with my report. Unfortunately, he wants me to re-do the work and present the new simulation case instead. I was like huh???... apa ni??? I spent hours last night preparing the old case, and now he wants the new case pulak???

So, the next couple of hours, I was pestering the PhD students to help me install Saber in my brand new Windows in a Mac... However, today is just not my day as it didn't install properly on my Mac. I was so tension!!! I spent £100 to put this bloody Windows in, and at the end I can't even install the bloody Saber software!!

So, I decided to do my simulation marathon, non-stop 50 simulations from 12.30 to 7pm. I really wanna get this done and over with!! So tension la macam ni, kalau tak sempat now... I'll never get my dissertation sorted. I was the last one to leave uni and nearly got locked inside!

So, now I'm back home and trying to install it in my old dusty Dell.. hope it works. My Dell is so slow, considering there's only 6GB left anyways. Had to use the long-cut way of transferring the files from the CD to the external HD and then back into the Dell PC... all this hard work because my darling Hubby jahanam-kan the CD drive... thanks a lot dear >:/

Procrastination rulez... again :(

I didn't do my work last night because it was really hot. Went to bed but I woke up in the middle of the night again to have a cold drink, as I was literally sweating. It was really bad... This morning I woke up feeling so uncomfortable and moody. Dragged myself out of bed and went to the PC store to install Windows on my MacBook Pro.

Yup, my Mac now has Windows.. no, not that I want to switch to Windows, but I just had to coz Dr Pasir finally agreed to let me install a lanun copy of the software for my simulation, so that I can try to complete them while I'm back in Malaysia. I think we are nearly there.. only a few final touches before I can proceed to do my write-up. In a way, there's a slight sense of regret that I had to go home, coz I definitely can finish my work in the next 3 weeks... and I don't have to worry about rushing my dissertation write-up. But nothing I can do now... I've already committed to Nina. (Nina, you owe me big time!.. heheh)

So I suspected that I will of course not do anything for the first 2 weeks at home, being busy with Dubai & the wedding... but expect the worst mood swings and high anxiety bitchiness for the last week in Malaysia when I need privacy to finish up my work... Poor Hubby will suffer for sure ;)

As for this weekend, I'll be busy writing up a progress report for Dr Pasir's meeting with the project sponsor, Rolls Royce. Their rep, Dr Suami will be coming over on Tuesday next week to check up on the results. Fortunately, I won't be around to take the slaughter (coz I'll be busy with sis Serina for our one day hair & beauty make-over at the Burlington Salon). But, Dr Pasir has already warned me to come up with a good progress report on Monday morning to be presented to Dr Suami.

So, actually I got everyhing sorted out... tinggal nak tulis the report je...Ishhh, I need to overcome this awful procrastination that has been looming over me for quite some time la. Everytime I want to start writing up my dissertation, I can have mllions of excuses later not to do it. Why can't an MSc just have classes & exams?! Haiiyyaaa... if I can't survive this, thank god I didn't do the PhD.

So malas want to start....This is bad la... how ah??

I love Sales :)

Today, surprisingly I woke up really late and felt so sluggish. By the time I reached uni it was 2.30pm. Managed to make some progress by impressing Dr Pasir on some mistakes he made in yesterday's calculation. Tried out 3 simulations and nearly fell asleep. I knew then that it was time to leave and get some fresh air.

So, I headed to town again, this time much earlier than yesterday. The plan was to exchange Hubby's teeshirt, get Mama's scarves and Kraznee's baby bajus... then balik terus, no excuses. Well errr... ended up did get the stuff, but added some more stuff for myself... coz the whole town is on sale!!! Hooray!!! Since the sale is ending this weekend, loads of stuff are further reduced. So, of course this is an opportunity that one must always grab before its too late!

Apart from buying Hubby's, Mama's & Kraznee's, I ended up splurging on a nice linen cardi from Zara, 2 summer dresses, 1 top & undies from H&M and some good quality fru-fru stationaries from Muji. I have no regrets, in fact am very proud coz the cardi from Zara was further reduced by £10, H&M has buy-1-sale-item-get-another-free and all Muji stylo-mylo stationaries were at 75% off (heheh... Hubby mesti jealous!)... Aaaahhh, bless... as I walked home, I felt a sense of achievement and sheer satisfaction...

When I got home, I cooked dinner and cleaned up the house.. and as usual, paraded the latest buys around the apartment.. tonight I'm going to bed with a big smile on my face :)

Double the work, double the pressure

I have exactly 7 days from today to leave for Dubai & home. So, the thought of it made me work really hard in uni to finish up all my simulations and by 6pm, I was showing Dr Pasir the results, hoping that he'll be happy with it and I can then continue to the next stage.

Unfortunately, the results were not what he expected. So, he happily asked me to change the dimensions and re-do the damn thing again! He said its all part and parcel of research, trial and error is the way to learn. I was like.. huh?? apa ni??? ("Do you know who I am?!!.. kan Devina, heheh)

Anyways, to calm myself down I decided to do some retail therapy in town- faced the blazing sun and walked all the way to Zara, only to find it was already closed!!! Damn it!

So, walked back all the way in the blazing sun home and treated myself to you-tube till late night.

Now, its double the work and double the pressure... can't take this lah!!! OK lah, wanna go watch DVD with sis Serina..

Wish me luck besok!

Loads to do, so little time!

Yesterday, I was summarising the things that still need to be done for my dissertation. Oh my God... there's so much to do la.... and I have less than a week to finish it before I go home....

The thing that's bothering me is that I can't get myself out of bed at all in the mornings and by the time I get ready, it's already noon. So I have only half day to finish up my piling simulations! I think I need to get help. It sounds like the symptoms of depression... how ah??

So, its nearly 1pm and 'm just about to leave for uni. I'm so scared to face Dr Pasir, coz I haven't been really serious with work lately. Hope he'll be nice to me today.

Wish me luck!

Let's Start Work!!!

Yup, its my Hubby's birthday today... and to celebrate it, I'm officially back to work... hehehe. I received my final results in the post yesterday and I got all 1st!!! Yippeee!!! I truly didn't expect it because I thought I did really bad with Dr Kapas's paper... hence my demotivation to work hard on the dissertation. But since, I still have a chance to get a distinction in my MSc, I got really fired up now.. I'll have to do well in my dissertation to maintain a distinction.

So, last night I enjoyed my last DVD and hopefully my last late nighter (I slept at 4am!) and today woke up feeling motivated to start writing up. Devina, who joined me for lunch yesterday gave me the inspiration to start writing up as well, as she has started hers. I took the courage to say NO to my manager to not work anymore in the reception and I'm not going to uni today... so it will give me plenty of time to start off, and hopefully finish off at the end of the day. Tomorrow I'll show Dr Pasir my report for a first draft.. at least I know early if I'm on track or totally out of way with my project. Currently, its still a bit blurr.. but I can't justify for clarification if I haven't sit down properly and write it out, right???

Thus, its gonna be a busy day for me today. I really hope I can do this and get it done and over with! So, to my dearest MacBook Pro- lets start working!!!

With love....

To my dearest Hubby,

Sorry I can't be with you to celebrate, which makes me really sad :(

I promise, when all this is over, we can be together again and will never miss spending time together for our birthdays ever, OK.

May all your wishes come true, sayang.

Happy Birthday.

Pirates of the Caribbean

Today was a busy day. Woke up late as usual, and rushed to work. Then rushed to meet Dalina for a good lunch out. Managed to pop in uni for a few productive project simulations and then off home to cook dinner and have a good nap. Me and sis Serina then headed off to town to watch Pirates of the Caribbean... I loved it! Very good movie and Johnny Depp deserves an award, he's so talented and funny. Must see movie :)

Not too good news

I got everything sorted today. Woke up really early, had breakfast and head to work at the reception. I thought that today, everything will be a perfect start for my new life of a more disciplined student and on my way to become a good UK expat. Got so fired up and motivated.... until my mate Kraznee called.

Kraznee has always been my 'internal spy', updating me with the latest goss and happenings in KL. So far, he's been excellent. And today was no exception, he broke the most important news ever - our company's new policy. I received his 'internal' circular on the latest resignation policy - we have to pay back our infamous outstanding bond within 14 days! Oh my God... I quickly broke the news to Hubby, and we are all still in shock. Where am I going to fork out RM60k within 14 days!!!

After much calculation and a big headache, I'm now waiting for Hubby's response. Surely, me & Mama can't ever afford that large sum of money.. is this the end of my dream to become a Chartered Engineer here??? I'm freaking out! Its too late to turn back on the PhD offer, plus.. after my discussion with Dr Kapas a few days back, doing a PhD while sacrifising to build a family in the next 3 years, is no more a feasible option for me. I want to have kids within the next 3 years. My clock is ticking & my maternal instincts is increasing... yes, I want a baby of my own soon.

Thank God I didn't shoot out the resignation email to Yusman this week... at least there's still a chance to back out... though, honestly speaking, I don't want to back out now. I'd rather be poor first, but then realise that its all for the better. If I don't accept this opportunity now, I will never ever get the chance again.

So, Hubby.. please help do something... I'm counting on you dearie... Meanwhile, I'm off to uni now and hopefully can concentrate on my work as planned... (I doubt it!)

Not feeling too well....

Yesterday was a big achievement for me. I woke up early, went to work and finished my duties at the reception office smoothly and went straight to the uni to face Dr Kapas. We talked about my situation and I explained on my preference to work. Dr Kapas was really understanding. Although I can see that he was devastated, he adviced me that I should choose whats best for me and not for him. At the end of it, we mutually agreed that my PhD is officially withdrawn. It was really sad... but I felt a big sigh of relief after.

I then continued to do my simulations with Dr Pasir. At last, I got it right and we were really excited about it. He told me I'm ready for the next stage. Oh good! Hopefully everything goes well before I head home to KL. Not long after that KBR called and confirmed that they've received my forms. I then met my Chevening mates for dinner at this Spanish restaurant and had this amazing seafood tapas platter... Hmmm... so sedap. I was such in a good mood, I felt a burst of good karma around me.

So, in order to reward myself, I decided to relax the whole night and watch a DVD. I watched Batman Begins and it was a good one... Everything is so fine... until I decided to be greedy and watch ANOTHER DVD with a huge mug of Milo... I ended up going to bed at 4am....

Today, I woke up at 1.30pm with this BIG headache and BAD mood swing.. I didn't turn up for work, and am so late to go to uni!!! I'm so angry at myself now... From today onwards, no more sleeping after 12am, and no more Milo before bed!!! I'm so sluggish, moody and don't feel like moving anywhere.. its disgusting! This yo-yo needs to stop immediately!

Am I doing the right thing????

To my surprise and amazament, I woke up fairly early today. I got off the bed and straight into the shower, getting ready and then filled in the finishing touches of my KBR acceptance form. I was ready to face the day - my plan was to march straight to the post office to post the KBR forms, face Dr Kapas to withdraw the PhD offer and shoot an email to Yusman to resign.

As I walked down Oxford Road, suddenly I felt a burst of anxiety, I had cold sweat and my heart was beating so fast... I heard voices in my head... "Are you sure you wanna do this??", "Damn it, its a full scholarship & you let it go just like that?", "Oh my God, you're making a big mistake!!"... suddenly I saw visions of myself at my PhD graduation, my own personal office in PGTS and a site trip with Dr Kapas investigating wind turbine blades! Oh my God, I freaked out!!!

I quickly took a detour and head to uni instead. I rushed down to Dr Pasir's office, turned on my computer and just stared at the monitor... (luckily, Dr Pasir walked in and gave me that "oh-you're-here-and-you're-so-rajin-i'm-proud-of-you-look"). Little did he know that the serious look I had on my face had nothing to do with my dissertation at all! I took several deep breaths to calm myself down and sent an sms to Hubby for life support.... as usual, Hubby called me straight away.

Hubby was on the phone calming me down and began his normal lectures to fight my fears etc... I wasn't really listening, to be honest... I was such in a state of shock, I just went totally blank... by the time I got myself together, Hubby was summarising his concluding remarks...

Though I must say that out of all the people I seek advice from, 80% would want me to work instead. So, if a PhD is not what I really want, then why do I always daydream about it?? Why is it that I never seem to see myself wearing the red KBR jacket??? Why is it that everytime I think of KBR, I can see Dr Kapas & Petronas people surrounding me with knives & daggers, just waiting to attack?!" Oh my God... I think I'm going mad...

By noon, I took the courage and walked to the post office and finally sent off the forms. I then headed to uni and like a miracle, Dr Kapas was at the front entrance.. as though waiting for me. Of course, I stuttered and blurted out that I might not wanna do the PhD... and like a true gentleman, Dr Kapas nodded, smiled and said, "You sure?? You don't look too sure... Never mind... go home, have a good rest and think about it again tonight dear... I'll see you again tomorrow at my office after lunch"

I was like.. huh?? apa ni???

BBQ & procrastination

Last Friday we had a BBQ for our department, it was really nice to see all my mates again after the long holiday (well, not actually holiday la... dissertation prep time). Well, most of them have not started their dissertation too, so it was quite a relief. The only person whose half way there is Daphne.. she's writing up her work already and said she can finish by end of the month... apa ni????

Well, anyways, I did spend my whole weekend then just lazing around at home and stayed in bed for the longest time. Watched DVDs endlessly till I fall asleep and woke up till noon. Quite disgusting la...

So, today I decided to kemas the house, do my laundry and will start work with my write-up and calculations. I have less than 2 weeks to finish up my simulations before I head off to KL. I have a feeling I'm not gonna finish up on time... but I'll just try my best.

In the meantime, I'm gearing up to meet Dr Kapas tomorrow morning to tell him the bad news on the PhD offer. I hope he'll understand. It's going to be hard for me, but I have to face him sooner or later.

My Favourite Song

My Destiny... can't stop loving this song :)

My yo-yo week

I must say that that this has been a yo-yo week for me in terms of working with my dissertation. Monday I showed up and started off my work in uni, Tuesday ponteng to help sis Serina pick up her parents in Birmingham, yesterday was excellent discipline working non-stop from 11am-5pm (I was really impressed myself)... and today, well... I woke up at noon and feel so malas to go to uni!

I have exactly 20 days to finish my circuit simulations before I jet off to Dubai & KL. I don't know whether I can make it through or not. Damn worried but so malas... how ah??? I'm really trying to avoid Dr Pasir as much as I can, but its not good coz he needs to know my progress. Looks like I have to drag myself to uni then...

Last night I met Serina's aunt, Mak Keno. She moved to UK when she was young to find a job and got the opportunity to work with UN. She has travelled the world, made it on her own and then at the age of 50+, she now managed to settled down in France, have a good life and owning properties in Europe. She talked to me last night and it was really inspiring. She said that yes, it will be hard for the first few years to settle down, but the rewards and the experience gained is priceless. She never regret her decision to leave Malaysia to pursue her career. Thank you for your advice, Mak Keno... I really appreciate it.

OK lah.. I have to get ready now.... MUST force myself out of bed and head to uni...

Sheila Majid - Cinta Kita

A song that reminds me of Hubby, Boboy & Baby

Its July, why am I not in panic?

Yup, its officially July already. Unfirtunately, I haven't started anything credible for my dissertation. The worrying bit is that I'm not even sweating or panicking at all... and that worries me.

I had a movie marathon last night, finishing 3 DVDs I rented from Blockbuster... ahhh, Blockbuster's a bliss.. more reasons to procrastinate to finish the dissertation.

I do realise that starting this month I have to work 9 to 5 in uni to finish my project. I have 25 days left, before I leave for KL and holiday. That must be the only motivation to start my project soon, as I will not have anymore time dah... There seems to be so much to do, but why am I so malas to start... aiyoh... must start building the momentum la.. how ah???