Friday, June 30, 2006

No more lies :(

Dr Pasir has been kind enough to prepare a workstation for me next to his office, so that I can do my project simulation independantly, without logging into the university's ever-crowded computer clusters. Very kind of him... but unfortunately, very smart move indeed. This way, he can monitor my progress more closely, a.k.a I can't make up any more excuses for not doing work.

This past week, I was so busy juggling time with my student warden admin work (since the undergrads are moving out) and the stressful PhD-KBR-dilemma paperwork, that I haven't really sat down and concentrate 100% with my dissertation. I was too tired doing something else than my project. So, when I woke up really late Wednesday, I kinda make a little lie to Dr Pasir that I wasn't feeling too well - 'the-i-dunno-what-i-ate-but-my-tummy-ache-so-much' one. Got away with it last Wednesday & yesterday... so I vowed that I will make a good impression to turn up early with a fresh 'recovery' at Dr Pasir's office today.

However, unfortunately you don't get away with lies... last night I had the worst tummy ache ever!!! You see, I didn't eat the whole day and finally for dinner I succumbed to Pizza Co's extra hot spicy wings... The pain was so unbearable, I couldn't sleep at all, as I was heading to the loo all night. The last thing I remember was I called Hubby at 6am in the morning in pain, and then literally fainted.

So, today I got up really late (again!), still in pain, tired and dehydrated and its too late to possibly drag myself to uni in this state.... I dunno how to face him next week! Tu la, padan la muka I ni... No more lies, I learnt my lesson the hard way :(

Thursday, June 29, 2006

God never closes a door without opening a window....




Alhamdulillah, my prayers were answered. I received the official offer letter this morning as I rushed out to university. It took me quite a while to actually pinch myself to realise the letter is in front of me today. I am so relieved that I can finally sit down and relax after all the stressful weeks I've been through. I am very blessed this year and am ever so thankful to God Almighty for the opportunities that he has given me.

Amidst all the joy that my wishes for the opportunity to pursue my Chartered came true, I realise that my journey doesn't end here. There will be times that God will test us and take away something we've always wanted. But I believe that he does so for a reason.... we should have no regrets, as each tests makes us stronger and more determined to prepare ourselves for something much better that he will offer in the future.

I speak so because two of my close friends were being tested this week. To Serina, I will pray with you that your father gets well soon and that your whole family can be there for your graduation. To Devina, I will pray for your success for the chance to further your studies to a PhD. My prayers might not be much, (if compared to all the help & support that both of you have given me throughout my tough times here...) but I do hope it will assist to make it a bit easier to go through this.

For every ordeal or closed opportunity, there's always a hikmah behind it. God never closes a door without opening a window... my prayers & support are with you always....

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

My Destiny by Katherine McPhee



I have always dreamed of this
I'll admit that there was something I missed
Wonderin' if it is for real
Every mistake, every wrong turn
Every time I lost my way
Led me to this, moment of bliss, tonight

(Chorus)
With you, finally I can break free
With you, I saw a changing in my destiny
Dream come true, it's so funny now that I see
How different life turned out to be

You were always by my side
That you believed in me was enough reason why
I didn't stop, didn't give up
Even if I sometimes lost hope
I did my best, and I am blessed
In life

Can I get any higher
Tell me, does it get any stronger?
I owe it to you, that I made it through
I never could've done it, without you

Oh, cause of you, I saw a changing in my destiny
Dream come true, it's so funny now that I see
How different life turned out to be
I've realized that it's my destiny

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Let's talk about wardrobe



I woke up at 2pm, I know its not something to be proud of. I've made up my mind last night that today will be a busy day for me. I need to sort out my piling laundry. I don't have anything in my wardrobe to wear dah! Times like this you wish you have all the money in the world and just buy clothes without worrying to do your laundry, kan...

Though, I may not have enough clothes... I have quite a big collection on shoes. In fact, yesterday, I went to town to look for a new nice pair of shoes to wear with my bridesmaid dress at Nina's wedding in August. However, as usual, ended up buying something else - a nice pair of transparent jelly slippers instead... hehe. Like they say, girls can never have enough shoes... ;)

Also, window-shopped for Hubby's birthday present. Its so difficult to get the perfect present for someone's whose got everything, especially Hubby whose wardrobe is full of designer brands. Me & my friends are the 'high street' chicks, we buy stuff which looks like a designer style, but at affordable high street prices. We once joked at looking at Hubby's pair of Prada shoes one time, saying that with that price, we could buy 10s of high street shoes that look exactly the same. We can't really figure out the designer hype as much as he does. So, it will be a challenge for me to justify whether a designer present is worthwhile the price. If I can't find it here,I'll be looking forward to my trip to Dubai to find his present then.

Ok, better get the laundry done and wardrobe organised. Oh my God, it's going to be a busy Sunday - my wardrobe's in such a mess, I don't even know where to start!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Just a normal day

Nothing much to write today coz its just like a normal lazy day for me. Woke up mid afternoon, check my emails, call Hubby & Vas and start feeling depressed and confused with my future career again. Although I basically have made up my mind, I still feel guilty to my kind supportive supervisors in Petronas, who are still fighting for my PhD appeal. Plus, the thought of Dr Kapas's beaming smile when he offers me the PhD is still fresh in my head. Vasantha advised me to re-consider my decision, just in case Petronas will let me off with paid leave. Though I highly doubt it, miracles can still happen.

At the moment, I'm trying to clear my head from this stressful triangle and concentrate on my dissertation. Its so depressing to know that you know what is the outcome of the project, but you just can't get around understanding how to solve it! Huh... well I have to do something, as time travels so fast its nearly end of June dah.

OK, me back to work then... (yawn)

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

A new start... Syukur Alhamdulillah

I'm beginning to pick up slowly on what's left behind all these weeks with my dissertation. Yesterday, I managed to drag myself to Uni and the library to start off my work. It was allright- at least I know the computer simulation is working and I've started studying on heat transfer till late last night. I also got my groceries and started cooking and cleaning the house. So, its a good start to build up my momentum to finish this project as soon as I can.

But the best news was this morning, when I received a phone call from Rebecca (KBR). She went straight to the point and said I got the job and the offer letter is on its way. I was so excited!!! Oh my God, my life is about to change to a new start now... I've got the opportunity to make the first leap out of my comfort zone in Malaysia! I quickly rang up Hubby, Hawari, Mama, Vasantha and Nina and everyone is so happy with the offer. Though Hubby convinced me to stay calm until the official letter arrive, before I make drastic decisions. OK dear, I will... but I'm so excited!!!

I felt that today is going to be a fresh new day for me. So, I'm now gearing up to pack my things and head to Uni to get my dissertation done and over with!

Syukur Alhamdulillah to the almighty for giving me this chance.. syukur Alhamdulillah...

Monday, June 19, 2006

Travelling back to reality

For the past couple of days, I was contented at Nina's place in Glasgow. We had such an amazing weekend - went shopping for my bridesmaid dress (which is fab!), collected her wedding rings and just strolling around town. We talked for hours on what we learnt from the past, our achievements in the present and our dreams for the future. Though I must say that we spent most of our time lazing in front of the telly watching the footie at home... but at our age- telly, nasi-masak-lemak-cili-padi-dinner, coffee, roks with comfy couch, beats any form of entertainment anytime!

Nina & I grew up together since primary school. I can relate to Nina very much, as we both came from seperated parents. More commonly, we both are away from the people we love to pursue our career... and at times, we can just break down in tears missing our other half and just felt like leaving everything behind to be with them again. I find it really difficult to survive after just 7 months away from Hubby, but seeing Nina surviving on her own with a successful career in a foreign country after all these years inspired me so much.

As I travelled home this morning to Manchester, I can't help thinking about what it would be like if I too take that giant leap to come out from my comfort zone in Malaysia and explored what the UK can offer. I was imagining a small cozy house like Hawari's in Guildford with a small garden for Mama & Boboy and a driveway for Hubby's dream car. Me & Hubby can get to do the work we enjoy, Mama can retire comfortably and maybe we are so ready to start a family. We all will have dinner together and then lepak for coffee in front of the fireplace... It would be so nice... It would be so great.... and I would be the happiest person in the world to be able to share that with the people I love so much....

Suddenly, the train stopped and I realised that I'm in Manchester already. No more sunshine, as it was raining as we reached the station. From then on, I realised that I'm back to reality. While I was struggling with my luggage in the rain to catch a cab home, I saw the Sackville Street building. It reminded me on how so much work I need to catch up to face Dr Pasir soon. Deep inside, I was really hoping to get a letter from Leatherhead.....

Friday, June 16, 2006

I'm in Glasgow !!!!


Yup, still travelling. This time I'm in Glasgow to visit my dear best friend, Nina. I'm now in her apartment while she's preparing our spaghetti dinner. Oh my God, I love her place! Its a 2 bed luxury apartment with a huge kitchen and living room. Its so cozy and nice. Nina has been here for nearly 8 years now and is doing well. I'm really proud of her achievements. I so want to have my own place too and it made me think twice again about the possibility of working here instead of pursuing my PhD.

Yes, I'm still deciding and it is stressing me out. I can't decide truly until I get the official offer from KBR (which I really hope I'll get soon!). I dare not go to uni to face Dr Kapas just in case he asked me on the PhD, nor to face Dr Pasir on my dissertation. I don't know lah... I have to decide fast, its really bothering me and really effecting my concentration with my dissertation. I haven't done much at all if compared to my other classmates. I'm so worried I can't do this anymore....

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

My trip to Surrey

I just got home from Surrey for my KBR assessment day & interview. I left Manchester yesterday and arrived in Guildford at about 5.30pm. Hawari greeted me there, cheerful as usual and belanja me a nice dinner at Wagamama. I was so excited to be back in Surrey again after nearly 6 years. When I reached the rail station, suddenly the memories of Surrey hit me. Hawari brought me walking down memory lane to Guildford town and the university. We went to find our old room in Battersea Court and the buildings I used to spend most of my time during my undergraduate. Though lots of new buildings were built since I last seen UniS, the same peaceful surrounding and serenity of Surrey nearly brought tears to my eyes as I recalled all the good times I spent there. Hawari also managed to bring me to one of his favourite cafe in town (which is a new one), by the river and we had the best serving of Belgian waffles and capacino. We talked and talked, laughing off bout the good old times in Surrey.

We then headed home to Hawari's. It was a nice neighbourhood. Hawari's housemate, George, voluntarily evacuated to his girlfriend's place for me to have his room for the night. Siap pasang air freshener lagi! Instead of having an early night rest, Hawari was so kind to go through important pointers and tips on how to do well for the interview. We discussed on the possible Q&A which I found really useful.

This morning, I woke up really early, got ready and rushed down to Leatherhead with Hawari driving through the mad traffic. Alhamdulillah, got there on time and I was so nervous. I was a bit surprised though that out of 10 graduates that they were expecting for the assessment, only 5 (including myself) showed up. Though, it was quite a relief that all of us were international graduates, so we weren't really intimidated by each other. In fact, I was lucky that all of them were really, really nice people.

The assessment started off with a brief introduction about the company and then we had to give individual presentations. As usual, I forgot my lines. I didn't do too well in the presentation, but I think I did quite all right with the other assessments. We had a team activity, phsycometric tests and an 'energiser' activity, which was really good fun. After lunch, it was back to more company presentations and a tour of the KBR facilities. The last agenda of the day was the most feared of all - the individual interview. To make matters worst, I was the last one due! So, you can imagine the stressful position I was in and the numerous toilet trips I had to deal with, while anticipating my turn.

Finally, I got called in. They asked the normal standard questions - what can I offer the company, where do I see myself in 5 years, my expectations bla bla. I so want to thank Hawari that we went through 80% of the Q&A the night before! Then, they asked me on my working experience. As soon as I said that I was from an oil & gas company, doing the exact job that they were offering, they suddenly got all excited. They tested me on some practical questions and even went all the way to get a single line diagram out! Since I'm familiar with the drawings, I was more than happy to answer all their questions. Once done, Rob & Kate (two of the interviewers), sat back, rolled their eyes and said, "Oh my God, I ran out of questions - you're ready to start tomorrow! If you decide to join us, I bet you can achieve your charteredship in 2&half years, max!"

At that moment, I just sat there stumped & speechless. Suddenly, the vision of Dr Kapas's PhD offer, Yusman's PGTS, Mama, Hubby & Boboy were spinning in my head. My nightmare has officially begun....

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The healing Bath...

I have been a bit depressed lately, mostly due to the late night sleep and being a slob for the past 2 weeks. Plus, the dilemma of deciding to work or continue to PhD is giving me a great deal of stress. I can't concentrate with my dissertation and was feeling so lost.

Then, last weekend I went to an overnight trip to Bath. It was amazing- so beautiful and unique. It was the perfect getaway for me to get some fresh air from the hustle & bustle of Manchester. We explored the city from the Roman Bath to the Crescent & Circus buildings, marvelling the architecture that are so well preserved. Its truly a remarkable experience to know that each building we set foot on, has its own story. Plus, the weather was fantastic - not a single drop of rain!

















The next morning we went to Stonehenge and it was magical. An ancient engineering marvel that can take your breath away. I was really inspired. The presicion positioning of the stones marks the start of the summer sun and the winter days. Remarkable!














The highlight of the trip was when Hawari, Faiz & Farah travelled all the way from Surrey to Bath just to meet me, within 30minutes before our bus departs. I really miss them. Its so nice to meet fellow Malaysians again after so long. Plus, I haven't seen Hawari for nearly 6 years dah! Although we lepak for a short half hour, I nearly shed a tear while I waved them goodbye from the bus. It was nice to see your old friends again....





As we reached Manchester, I felt really good (despite the heavy Manchester rain that follows later). I truly enjoyed my weekend getaway, it was truly a healing trip that I so much needed.

Friday, June 09, 2006

I'm tired and I miss home :(



I've been away from home for nearly 9 months dah.

It has been a whirlwind journey for me. I've had many ups and downs, struggling to be a student again. I recalled my never ending anxieties about excelling in exams, pushing myself to the limit to finish my courseworks, juggling time and rushing everywhere to make it perfect.


And tonight, I've reached the stage where I'm physically and emotionally tired. I just wanna go home :(

Tiada ertinya....



Lara tiada akhirnya
Pabila menatap resah
Sepi hingga waktu berkubur

Sayu makin menghukum
Didada terhiris kalbu
Oh adakah inikan terus berlalu?

Apa nilainya?
Jika sangsimu mengganggu
Untuk kembali kepangkuan
Dan bermesra denganku

Tiada ertinya disini
Tiada ertinya berkasih
Semua telah kau bawa dan berlalu
Tinggalkanku

Tiada ertinya menanti
Tiada ertinya buatku padamu
Diri yang merindui

Apa yang kumahukan
Bagimu tiada ruangan
Berdiri dan memeluk diriku…

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Good food & Good movie weekend

Last Friday night, me & sis Serina went to Nonie's birthday party at her house. It was really good to be out as we have not been out for quite a while due to the exams. Happy Birthday Nonie!!! Thank you so much for the good food- it was the best meal I've ever had since I came- we had nasi with sweet sour fish, udang masak lemak, sayur kailan, sambal petai and rich chocolate cake! It was fantastic!

Met up with Nonie's and Malan's friends as well, and it was really good company. We left Nonie's around 12.30am, courtesy of Ashraf's ride. Then, we spent the whole night watching CSI marathon. Serina went home around 3am, and I continued the CSI marathon till 8am! by the time I woke up, it was 5pm.... OK, I know I sound disgusting, but it felt really good giving myself a treat after working so hard.

Though, I can't get too comfortable as I'll be working hard again for the next few months to fininsh my dissertation. Talking bout dissertations, Dr Kapas surprised me by offering me a full PhD sponsorship from uni next year! I was so overwhelmed, I just couldn't believe it. I went home and broke the news to Hubby.... now I have to decide whether to take it or try working instead. Haven't really make up my mind yet.. but I have a strong feeling that the PhD offer is best.

While I'm deciding, I broke the news to PETRONAS and am really hoping that they'll decide to let me do my PhD on paid study leave. I hope they realise that most of my colleagues are all earning so much already and should give me a chance. I think if PETRONAS won't help me out, I might consider to resign.

So, in the meantime... I have to snap out of this laziness soon coz I haven't started my dissertation properly yet. And its starting to make me panic.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Back to being lazy

I didn't sleep at all last night - finishing my KBR application form. Serves me right coz I didn't prepare it earlier. I was like a walking zombie this morning when I went to post it in town. Got home and slept. I just woke up now and feeling so sluggish and lazy. Don't feel like doing anything, but my house is in a total mess. I have to kemas sometime.... but feel so lazy la..