Giggly blonde??

I had my performance appraisal yesterday. Due to some changes in the office, I was assessed by my mentor and lead instead of my manager. I knew it was going to be a bit uncomfortable because we were quite close.

As soon as we entered the room, I had to explain all my current year objectives and justify myself how I have achieved the expectations given to me. Compared to the previous year, this year was very challenging as I have been given the responsibility to do power system studies - a task usually done with people having more than 20 years experience. Therefore, I had to work extra hard this year meeting the requirements set in the office, with becoming a new mom and trying to learn the system as much as I can with the little time I have. Although I was happy that my mentor acknowledged that I performed well in my task, I was taken a back that she mentioned that the only thing that bothers her is that I portray a "giggly blonde" personality - which, by the first impression people may not take me seriously, and doubts my leadership skills. I might not have the confidence to give out presentations and might find it difficult should I be sent out to site on my own.

Hmmm.... me "giggly blonde"??? Can't talk in front of people?? Can't survive independence at site??? At first I was quite surprised because when I was back in Malaysia, my previous feedbacks have always highlighted that I am confident when it comes to work, and never timid. I have spoken and giving presentations numerous times - at work, being an emcee and giving career talks - heck, I conducted my own aerobics class 3x a week! I love going to site and get all excited (most of the time I didn't want to come home) because I knew I learnt a whole lot more at site than being in the office! Thus, I was quite unhappy on the way back home last night, thinking that I do not deserve such comments- I was on defensive mode. I was angry and frustrated.

However as I slept through it, I woke up this morning suddenly thinking that my Mentor might just be right. I realised I wasn't as proactive as when I was in Malaysia. I realised that I do feel intimidated sometimes with my western colleagues, especially knowing that you're not native. There were times when I rather be quiet than voicing out, too worried if I might just ask a stupid question. There were times when I still have the mentality that "I am new here - don't wanna show off too much", (which is definitely a safe net if you're in Malaysia). There were times when I rather be comfortable as a follower than a leader because I don't want people to talk behind my back. So maybe she's right after all? Maybe I have turned myself into a "giggly blonde" who lacks confidence and independence??!!!

After all that thinking (with numerous sticks of M7Lites later!), I have now decided that I shall take it all in my stride and instead of wasting time being angry (the traditional Melayu defensive route), I shall improve myself and show my Mentor (and everyone else!) that I am NOT a giggly blonde anymore. I am so fired up and I will complete my Chartered application and prove that I am a competent, assertive, proactive and qualified Engineer!

So, first things first... I have to go colour my hair - it shall be back to black now!